Backstory vs Boringstory?
Sep. 29th, 2012 04:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oakstone730Working on a chapter for the Charlie/Harry story. It requires a certain amount of backstory which I've written as Charlie just reflecting back to himself. To me it seems very boring. Anyone want to read and give an opinion? Is there a general HP slash writer's community on LJ? I know of the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hd_writers group but this is primarily hp/cw with past and future hp/dm and cw/oc.
This is the story that is being written (two chapters into it): What Happens in Fagaras, Stays in Fagaras - but I don't think you need to read that bit if you just want to tell me if the beginning of this chapter is too boring. I'm thinking of changing it to Charlie having a conversation with the healer about everything in the past, which could work.
It was after midnight by the time Charlie got back to the infirmary. He slowly walked over to Harry’s bed. He was still deathly pale and looked oddly ghostlike, hovering a foot above the bed.
“I won’t be able to keep him in stasis as long as I would like,” Fenton said. Startled, Charlie turned to see the healer standing behind him.
“Why not?”
“He’s fairly malnourished, as a result he doesn’t have enough fat stores to keep him going. The stasis slows down his metabolism but the injury is going to still demand energy in order to heal,” Fenton pulled back the sheet to see the wound and Charlie was reassured to see that it looked the same, no sign of infection, but he could see the telltale signs that the fire oil was interacting with Harry, making deep purple streaks. It was a good thing Harry was in stasis or he would be screaming in pain. Charlie also noticed that Harry’s ribs stuck out far more than they would on a regular weight person.
“He was in hiding all last year, I know it was hard for them to get food,” he said quietly, remembering what Ron had told them about being on the run. Ron had lost weight also, but he’d had more body weight to start.
“You would think that he would have taken advantage of the peace and eaten,” Fenton lifted an eyebrow at Charlie as he replaced the sheet.
“Harry has had a lot of stress lately, probably wasn’t eating much. And he’s a runner so I’m sure he burned off more than he ate. So, you can’t keep him in stasis until the worst of reaction is over?”
“I think it would be too dangerous, I’d hoped to save him at least a few days of the worst pain. I’ll monitor him and if his condition drops I’ll have to end the stasis,” Fenton looked over at Charlie, “There is one other option. The Muggles have a way to give patients nutrition through their blood. Using tubes and needles.”
“Can you do that?”
“I’ve seen it done, never tried it myself.”
“If I got what you needed, could you do it?” Charlie indicated towards the purple streaks, “If we can save him from having to go through that, it would be worth it.”
“Let me floo call a friend in Bucharest. She volunteers at a Muggle clinic. He’ll be fine for a day or two until we can get it set up.”
“Okay, I’m going to bunk here. My cabin burned down, again.”
“Sure take the bed next to his, I’m not expecting anymore guests.”
After Fenton left, Charlie sat down on the bed next to Harry’s, he pulled off his boots and as he unbuttoned his shirt he looked over at Harry’s silent figure and just shook his head. The man truly didn’t get a break. He left England to escape from everything that had happened there and nearly died within an hour of arriving. If the fool had just gotten on his broom and flown away when Charlie had told him to then the whole thing wouldn’t have happened. They could be sitting around joking and talking in camp now, instead of having Harry lying unconscious on a cot.
He laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come but instead his mind flitted to the first time he’d seen Harry. He’d literally fallen out of the floo and sprawling across the Burrow kitchen in a heap. What a difference four years made he thought with a glance, he would never be tall but he was no longer the slight, hesitant boy who used to watch him and his brothers in wide-eyed fascination. That boy was gone for good, in his place was a man who’d chased down death and walked away. Charlie thought of the still healing scar that he’d seen in the center of Harry’s chest. It was a near perfect match to the scar on his forehead, although four times the size. Harry hadn’t walked away untouched but he’d still managed to survive.
Even though he’d only seen Harry a few times over the year Charlie had always been curious about him. Ron, in his rare letters that he sent off under duress from their mum, were filled with news about Harry, sharing their adventures and misadventures.
Ginny wrote far more often, Charlie often thought that his sister saw him more as a newspaper agony aunt than a brother. Maybe it was because she’d been so young when he’d gone off to Hogwarts and they knew each other only through fleeting visits and letters than day to day life. She would pour her heart out to him all the traumas and tribulations of her life into her letters, which often revolved around Harry Potter.
Heading to England for the Quidditch World Cup he’d been curious to meet the boy whose name was more famous than Merlin. Considering his own sister’s obsession with him, he’d wanted to make sure that this Harry Potter was worthy of her attention. The shy boy that had shaken his hand with flushed cheeks was not what he had expected.
After observing him in camp and during the Quidditch match, Charlie had also started to think that his sister would be disappointed. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, clearly had an interest in boys. Recognizing the signs, Charlie had wondered at the time if Ron knew but it only took a little observing of their interactions to be sure that Ron didn’t, considering his brother’s reaction to the Veela and his genuine confusion when Harry had seemed unaffected.
Then came the Triwizard, he’d been against the idea of using the dragons in the tournament from the start. Unfortunately, he had neither the authority or political pull to put a stop to it. When Harry’s name had been selected, he’d been furious at the prospect of a 14-year old going up against a dragon. It was ludicrous but his objections had been overruled.
Watching him facing the Horntail had been nerve-wracking and fascinating. He’d heard the tales from Ron about Harry in the Chamber of Secrets and the ridiculous things they had gotten up to first year but to stand facing a Hungarian Horntail with nothing but a wand. His modest nature clearly masked steellike nerves. Grown men would have fled, but Harry had stood and faced Maida, simply standing and waiting for his broom to come sailing over the stands.
Charlie’s breath caught and he glanced at the motionless figure in the bed next to him, that was was probably why Harry hadn’t listened to him today when Maida had charge out of the woods. He’d faced her down before and he was just doing what his instincts told him to do. It had been the wrong instinct, but it made sense.
Stretching his arms behind his head, Charlie remembered his surprise when Ginny had written that she and Harry were dating. Surprise would be an understatement. It wasn’t often that Charlie guessed incorrectly about someone being bent, but Ginny was clearly thrilled to be finally dating Harry so Charlie didn’t think anything more about it. Then had come Bill’s wedding, having not seen Harry in three years he’d been more surprised by the changes in him. The boy was gone, and a man was in his place.
Ginny had told him that Harry had said that they had to stop seeing each other, that she was very much still in love with him. It was after spotting Harry leaving Ginny’s room that Charlie had had a spark of what only could be considered jealousy. Jealous. Of his own sister. He’d been ashamed of himself and quickly tamped down the feelings. He watched them interact that weekend, even if he had broken up with Ginny, Harry was clearly straight and only had eyes for Ginny.
Then had come the chaos during the wedding reception following Shacklebolt’s patronus announcing that the ministry had fallen. His eyes had immediately sought out Ron, Hermione and Harry. He’d given a huge sigh of relief when they had apparated away safely, then he’d turn around and seen the devastated look on Ginny’s face. She had been glad that they got away and terrified about what was going to happen.
Charlie glanced over to look at Harry. He’d heard a few of the stories from Ron about what had happened during the year that they had been in hiding but he was sure there was a lot that had been held back. ....
So, what do you think? Opinions appreciated. I think it would be better delivered in dialogue rather than a whole personal reflection thing....
hd_writers group but this is primarily hp/cw with past and future hp/dm and cw/oc. This is the story that is being written (two chapters into it): What Happens in Fagaras, Stays in Fagaras - but I don't think you need to read that bit if you just want to tell me if the beginning of this chapter is too boring. I'm thinking of changing it to Charlie having a conversation with the healer about everything in the past, which could work.
It was after midnight by the time Charlie got back to the infirmary. He slowly walked over to Harry’s bed. He was still deathly pale and looked oddly ghostlike, hovering a foot above the bed.
“I won’t be able to keep him in stasis as long as I would like,” Fenton said. Startled, Charlie turned to see the healer standing behind him.
“Why not?”
“He’s fairly malnourished, as a result he doesn’t have enough fat stores to keep him going. The stasis slows down his metabolism but the injury is going to still demand energy in order to heal,” Fenton pulled back the sheet to see the wound and Charlie was reassured to see that it looked the same, no sign of infection, but he could see the telltale signs that the fire oil was interacting with Harry, making deep purple streaks. It was a good thing Harry was in stasis or he would be screaming in pain. Charlie also noticed that Harry’s ribs stuck out far more than they would on a regular weight person.
“He was in hiding all last year, I know it was hard for them to get food,” he said quietly, remembering what Ron had told them about being on the run. Ron had lost weight also, but he’d had more body weight to start.
“You would think that he would have taken advantage of the peace and eaten,” Fenton lifted an eyebrow at Charlie as he replaced the sheet.
“Harry has had a lot of stress lately, probably wasn’t eating much. And he’s a runner so I’m sure he burned off more than he ate. So, you can’t keep him in stasis until the worst of reaction is over?”
“I think it would be too dangerous, I’d hoped to save him at least a few days of the worst pain. I’ll monitor him and if his condition drops I’ll have to end the stasis,” Fenton looked over at Charlie, “There is one other option. The Muggles have a way to give patients nutrition through their blood. Using tubes and needles.”
“Can you do that?”
“I’ve seen it done, never tried it myself.”
“If I got what you needed, could you do it?” Charlie indicated towards the purple streaks, “If we can save him from having to go through that, it would be worth it.”
“Let me floo call a friend in Bucharest. She volunteers at a Muggle clinic. He’ll be fine for a day or two until we can get it set up.”
“Okay, I’m going to bunk here. My cabin burned down, again.”
“Sure take the bed next to his, I’m not expecting anymore guests.”
After Fenton left, Charlie sat down on the bed next to Harry’s, he pulled off his boots and as he unbuttoned his shirt he looked over at Harry’s silent figure and just shook his head. The man truly didn’t get a break. He left England to escape from everything that had happened there and nearly died within an hour of arriving. If the fool had just gotten on his broom and flown away when Charlie had told him to then the whole thing wouldn’t have happened. They could be sitting around joking and talking in camp now, instead of having Harry lying unconscious on a cot.
He laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come but instead his mind flitted to the first time he’d seen Harry. He’d literally fallen out of the floo and sprawling across the Burrow kitchen in a heap. What a difference four years made he thought with a glance, he would never be tall but he was no longer the slight, hesitant boy who used to watch him and his brothers in wide-eyed fascination. That boy was gone for good, in his place was a man who’d chased down death and walked away. Charlie thought of the still healing scar that he’d seen in the center of Harry’s chest. It was a near perfect match to the scar on his forehead, although four times the size. Harry hadn’t walked away untouched but he’d still managed to survive.
Even though he’d only seen Harry a few times over the year Charlie had always been curious about him. Ron, in his rare letters that he sent off under duress from their mum, were filled with news about Harry, sharing their adventures and misadventures.
Ginny wrote far more often, Charlie often thought that his sister saw him more as a newspaper agony aunt than a brother. Maybe it was because she’d been so young when he’d gone off to Hogwarts and they knew each other only through fleeting visits and letters than day to day life. She would pour her heart out to him all the traumas and tribulations of her life into her letters, which often revolved around Harry Potter.
Heading to England for the Quidditch World Cup he’d been curious to meet the boy whose name was more famous than Merlin. Considering his own sister’s obsession with him, he’d wanted to make sure that this Harry Potter was worthy of her attention. The shy boy that had shaken his hand with flushed cheeks was not what he had expected.
After observing him in camp and during the Quidditch match, Charlie had also started to think that his sister would be disappointed. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, clearly had an interest in boys. Recognizing the signs, Charlie had wondered at the time if Ron knew but it only took a little observing of their interactions to be sure that Ron didn’t, considering his brother’s reaction to the Veela and his genuine confusion when Harry had seemed unaffected.
Then came the Triwizard, he’d been against the idea of using the dragons in the tournament from the start. Unfortunately, he had neither the authority or political pull to put a stop to it. When Harry’s name had been selected, he’d been furious at the prospect of a 14-year old going up against a dragon. It was ludicrous but his objections had been overruled.
Watching him facing the Horntail had been nerve-wracking and fascinating. He’d heard the tales from Ron about Harry in the Chamber of Secrets and the ridiculous things they had gotten up to first year but to stand facing a Hungarian Horntail with nothing but a wand. His modest nature clearly masked steellike nerves. Grown men would have fled, but Harry had stood and faced Maida, simply standing and waiting for his broom to come sailing over the stands.
Charlie’s breath caught and he glanced at the motionless figure in the bed next to him, that was was probably why Harry hadn’t listened to him today when Maida had charge out of the woods. He’d faced her down before and he was just doing what his instincts told him to do. It had been the wrong instinct, but it made sense.
Stretching his arms behind his head, Charlie remembered his surprise when Ginny had written that she and Harry were dating. Surprise would be an understatement. It wasn’t often that Charlie guessed incorrectly about someone being bent, but Ginny was clearly thrilled to be finally dating Harry so Charlie didn’t think anything more about it. Then had come Bill’s wedding, having not seen Harry in three years he’d been more surprised by the changes in him. The boy was gone, and a man was in his place.
Ginny had told him that Harry had said that they had to stop seeing each other, that she was very much still in love with him. It was after spotting Harry leaving Ginny’s room that Charlie had had a spark of what only could be considered jealousy. Jealous. Of his own sister. He’d been ashamed of himself and quickly tamped down the feelings. He watched them interact that weekend, even if he had broken up with Ginny, Harry was clearly straight and only had eyes for Ginny.
Then had come the chaos during the wedding reception following Shacklebolt’s patronus announcing that the ministry had fallen. His eyes had immediately sought out Ron, Hermione and Harry. He’d given a huge sigh of relief when they had apparated away safely, then he’d turn around and seen the devastated look on Ginny’s face. She had been glad that they got away and terrified about what was going to happen.
Charlie glanced over to look at Harry. He’d heard a few of the stories from Ron about what had happened during the year that they had been in hiding but he was sure there was a lot that had been held back. ....
So, what do you think? Opinions appreciated. I think it would be better delivered in dialogue rather than a whole personal reflection thing....
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-10-06 01:15 am (UTC)I'm a big fan of mixing dialogue with personal reflection, rather than simply doing one or the other. It's a nice way to keep things moving. That way, also, the reader knows everything, but the person on the other side of the conversation (in this case, the healer) only knows part of the story.
For example, you could rewrite the part regarding the Triwizard Tournament like this:
"I was against using dragons from the start," Charlie said.
"And why didn't you voice these objections?"
"I did," Charlie said forcefully, bristling at the assumption that he hadn't. He glared down at his untouched cup of tea, remembering how his objections had been ignored. He added darkly, "Especially when I found out that a fourteen-year-old was expected to go up against them."
Watching (Harry) facing the Horntail had been nerve-wracking and fascinating. He’d heard the tales from Ron about Harry in the Chamber of Secrets and the ridiculous things they had gotten up to first year but to stand facing a Hungarian Horntail with nothing but a wand. His modest nature clearly masked steellike nerves. Grown men would have fled, but Harry had stood and faced Maida, simply standing and waiting for his broom to come sailing over the stands."
Hope that's a little bit helpful! In all honesty, long passages of reflection aren't always that bad. I find they can be good insight into a character, depending on how they're constructed.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-06 02:11 am (UTC)Lovely rewrite - you make it look so easy! Thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful response.
M
no subject
Date: 2012-10-06 03:34 pm (UTC)